I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
