you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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