I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
