My Higher Power is John Stamos
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
