Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
