someone threw a dead crab at me
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
