I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
