Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
