I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
