He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
