Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
