there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
