Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
