He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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