I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
did i walk over a car last night?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
