I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
