Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
