remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
