yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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