The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
