You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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