Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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