I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
