I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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