WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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