Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
