I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
