Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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