just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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