I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
