I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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