Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
