were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When did angry sex become our thing?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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