meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
