Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
