She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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