I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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