Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
