Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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