This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
