two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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