we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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