My room smells like vodka and shame
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it hurts more in the daytime
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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