did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
