On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
