Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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