my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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