I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
