As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
