I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
