Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
