I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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