My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
