I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
