I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize